I Have Stood Here Before Inside The Pouring Rain...

Just One New Song, Before I Forget It Like Many Others...

2005-07-20T09:00:22Z

Hey,

Okay, so I can't remember if it was last night or the night before, but I was laying in bed and a song just kinda came into my head... not actually a whole song, but a chorus. It was late, and dark and such, and I didn't really wanna turn on a light and find some paper and a pen in order to write this song. At first I kinda thought, "What the hell? I will just let it go..." but then I really really felt like it needed to be written down, so, being the technologically advance person that I am, I wrote the entire song by text message on my cell phone and sent it all to my email. So, I figured at this point, since I am up anyway, I should prolly get this out of my email and onto some sort of page, (in this case, this journal,) before I forget and it gets deleted or something. So, here it is...

"Treatin' Me Bad"

(Chorus:)
You've got to stop treatin me bad
You're makin me sad
Giving me feelings i never had
You've got to stop treatin me mean
You can be so obscene
I don't think you know what it means to me
I don't think you know how mean you can be

Let you into my life
It just felt so right
You made everything feel alright again
Let u into my heart
Somehow it all fell apart
I don't know why I keep believing in

You, you now make me feel bad about myself
Truth has become an empty lie
Love is a 4 letter word
But it cant be denied

(Chorus)

Let you take over my life
You filled it with lies
& I knew it was never right
Let you take over my heart
& you took it apart
Why'd I ever start with

You, you now make me feel bad about myself
Truth has become an empty lie
Love is a 4 letter word
But it cant be denied

(Chorus)

I know I did it
I know it's my fault
I know I sat by to give you everything you wanted
& yes, you took advantage of my generosity
But really I did this to me

(Chorus 2:)
I've got to stop treatin me bad
It's makin me sad
Giving me feelings I never had
I've got to stop treatin me mean
It can be so obscene
I don't think I've seen what it does to me
I don't think I've seen how mean I have been

I dunno why, but for whatever reason I felt really strongly about this chorus when it came into my head, and I still do. I dunno... it is something that if you heard it on the radio or something, at first listen, would just seem like a very flat, surface-based song, but once you actually paid a little more attention to the lyrics, you would see that it runs a little deeper than that. Not much deeper, but a little bit. It definitely has it's subtext, which really becomes the foretext in the end, kinda acknowledging that while someone else did take major part in damage being done, it really kinda is my own fault, and while yes, this person really should stop treatin' me bad, I really should stop treatin' me bad, too. Like, not taking yourself into consideration in a relationship can be just as bad, if not worse, than not taking the other person into consideration. I dunno... I like this song, though. I think it came out well, especially considering all the changes I had to make from the text code language into regular human language.

Jason

Wowza! Even More New Songs!...

2005-07-10T06:20:14Z

Hey Everybody!

Okay, so this is kinda odd, but really really great. I am so excited about this, and really hope that it continues... I wrote not one, not two, not three, not four, but five brand new songs today at work... and I am actually really proud of three of them. Like, I dunno if anyone really understands unless they are songwriters themselves the amazing feeling that you get after writing something that you genuinely love. Something that you think could actually make a difference to somebody. I dunno how to explain it... It is just amazing. Anyway, I won't rattle on too long about that, but instead get right to the songs...

"This Time We've Shared"

At least I've got a trusted friend
We're on the road alone again
I'm trying to find just who I am
We're trying to find out where we've been

We're travelling, we're going slow
Where we're going we still don't know
We're following where the wind will blow
We may not know, but we're gonna go

(Chorus:)
& it's so good to be alone
Alone on the road with you
I trust you, I love you
I'm now part of you
Because of this time we've shared

Things feel different now that we're home
Our friends and families don't know
They don't understand the ways we've grown
They'll never know the ways we've grown

(Chorus)

& it's so good to be with you
With you out on the road alone
I know you, I trust you
I truly love you
Because of this time we've shared

Now I love for the times we share

This song is a little weird for me, and I don't really think I like it much. The first thing I have to share about it is that after it was written, I realised that the melody on the verses is actually not just similair, not just borrowed, but completely plagerised... It is the melody of the verses on Alexz Johnson's "24 Hours." Anyway, this song is partially fictional and partially truth. Like, it is hard to explain. I took a road trip recently with one of my best friends, and in certain ways I feel closer to her after this experience, but in some ways I don't. Like, I dunno. It is hard to explain. In some ways this song speaks exactly what I feel, but in some ways it speaks to exactly the opposite of what I feel. It is a strange thing. In any sense, it is a happy sappy little song. It is alright, I guess...

"Let Go"

I don't really understand the way things go
When you start to slip away from all you know
I don't really grasp the concept of holding on
To things you love when they're already gone

Though I don't understand it
& I try so hard not to
I just can't seem to help myself
I don't know why I do

(Chorus:)
It's crazy, insane
How I live with such pain
When all I have to do is let go
Live life, move on
Even though my world is gone
& all that I can do is let go
Just let go

I don't think about doing what's logical
For some reason I get stuck on the emotional
I can't think about doing what makes most sense
Because I can't stop listening to what my heart says

Though I don't understand it
& I try so hard not to
I just can't seem to help myself
I don't know why I do

(Chorus)

It doesn't make sense to me
I cannot see it clearly
I just wanna live happily
But how happy can I be
Without the thing that speaks to me
The only thing I see clearly
Is you...

(Chorus)

After the song I posted yesterday or the day before, "Passive," I continued thinking about the ways that our pasts can affect our actions in the present. I dunno. Anyway, this song is also elaborating on that topic. This one is a lot lighter on it. This one is a little more focused on looking within and trying to change than that one was. It is kinda a softer look. Plus, while "Passive," was kinda meant to have a harder urban sound, this one would definitely be more guitar-based pop... kinda like something that would be on the new Backstreet Boys album, at least as far as the musical progression, the lighter acousticy verses and buildup to a faster paced, large vocal chorus. I like this one.

"Don't Change"

You confuse me
You fill your head with thoughts of your own loveliness
When inside you don't know how lovely you are
You keep trying to make yourself feel beautiful
By giving away all you've got in this world
You don't see that you're already a beautiful girl

And you cry, and you cry
And you scream, and you scream
And you don't realise that you're staying the same

(Chorus:)
You don't change, you just say that you have
Maybe think that you have, and believe that you have
You don't change, you're just fooling yourself
And everyone else, at least everyone else, but me

You frighten me
You go out doing wrong cos' you think you'll belong when you don't
And you think it's okay, cos' you're getting your way, but you're not
You keep stepping on others and breaking their hearts
Trying to break them down cos' you're falling apart
You don't see how you can feel good about yourself

And you cry, and you cry
And you scream, and you scream
And you don't realise that you're staying the same

(Chorus)

You don't change, you keep fooling around
Try not to make a sound, but you're bringing me down
You don't change, now you're holding me back
You don't know how to act, but you better get your ass on track

This song is kinda interesting to me. I like it a lot. In fact, it is probably my favourite of the group. I think this is probably the first time I have written an angry song that I feel actually comes across as strong, and truly making it's statement. I think the reason for it is the underlying sadness in the song. It is about a few people I know who are absolutely great people, who just happen to be kinda confused about the proper way to live life. I mean, I think they are great people, and I am not judging them, but I see the way that they are living their lives and it bothers me, because they don't seem to see that they are so much better than the ways that they are living. I dunno. It makes me sad, and it pisses me off. I also have to add a little sidebar about the title, because it seemed a little clever to me... cos' I always find myself to be so clever. j/k, but seriously, the title is kinda a reference to yearbook signings, and things like that. When you are leaving someone, when you are leaving somebody you often say, "don't change," even if in all actuality you want them to change or know that they need to. The point is, though, that in yearbooks, when the year is ending, and you are leaving, you say "Don't Change." While the song never says anything about leaving these people behind, the title kinda implies it, in it's own way. I thought it was cool.

"I Hope You Know"

I haven't seen you in four days
& the distance then couldn't be denied
I'm jumping to conclusions
That all that we once had has died

I know it's probably not true
But I don't know what to do
It's got me so confused
All I wanna do is talk to you

(Chorus:)
I hope you know I still care
I hope you know I'm still there
I hope you know that I'm still here for you
I hope you know

You're not answering your phone
I wanted to see what you're doing tonight
I'm trying not to jump to conclusions
But I can't help, but feel that somethings not right

I know it's probably not true
But I don't know what to do
It's got me so confused
All I wanna do is talk to you

(Chorus)

I don't wanna let go
I just wanna know
How things are going with you and me
I just wanna be with you
I want to believe in you
But things are going differently

(Chorus)

This one is also about the same friend who I went to Kentucky with. I think it is an alright song, same style as the one above. The one that I thought would have the similair sound to a new BSB track. I don't really wanna talk too much about this one. It says what it needs to.

"Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda"

I guess you didn't realise the way I felt for you
Or maybe you saw it, but didn't realise all that I could do

(Chorus:)
I coulda made your life better
I coulda been down for you through whatever
I coulda made sure that you would be happy
I woulda made damn sure you were glad you had me
I coulda made sure that you were never hungry
I coulda thrown down for you with good lovin'
I coulda been like your wife, I woulda loved you for life
I shoulda, coulda, woulda been the love of your life

I guess you didn't notice the little things I did
To try to make you notice me and all the things I wished

(Chorus)

(I coulda been the one)
I coulda been the one who was always gon' be down for you
(I coulda been the one)
I coulda been the one supporting everything you do
(I coulda been the one)
I coulda been the one always loving and respecting you
I shoulda been the one, I coulda been the one, I woulda been the one
But I'm not the one...

(Chorus)

This one is about a dude who, given the opportunity, I shoulda, coulda, woulda fallen in love with. I must say I came fairly close, but then he went away. Anyway, I recently found out that he is back, and it got me thinking about before. That is where this song came from. I really really like this one. A nice little urban sound...

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy. I gotta go to bed.

Jason

The First New Song I Have Written In Quite A While...

2005-07-08T05:51:46Z

Hey Nobody!

This is the first new song that I have written in quite some time... I wrote it today between calls at my new job, which is cool. Maybe my new job has even more perks than I thought. Anyway, I am actually really really proud of this song. I think it came out very well, and while the melody still needs a bit of work, (and some slight reworking of s few of the lyrics,) I am actually extremely happy with it. There is not much more to say beyond that.

"Passive"

(Chorus:)
It's not hard to be passive
When love can burn just like acid
It's so hard to keep things real
When no one shares the way they feel
It's not hard to let things lie
When all the love you've felt has died
It's so hard to love again
When you just can't leave the places you've been

Some days it's like I've been okay
Like there was never that moment that made everybody change
It's like I can see things the same
Those days are the greatest days until they go away

Sometimes I think it's easier
To live my life alone to be content not wondering
What my life could be with a good love
Cos' I've had so much bad love, I no longer see the point in bothering

(Chorus)

In some ways I think it's all my fault
Cos' I'm the one who gave these motherfuckers power over me
I know they're partially to blame
But I also know that the blame is all over me

(Chorus)

It's so hard to believe in anything
When anything you believe in turns out untrue
It's so hard to love unconditionally
When all you get in return has conditions for you
It gets so hard to know what's right from wrong
When all you've seen is wrong for oh so long
What keeps going wrong? What is wrong with me?
Why do I always have to be?....

Passive

(Chorus)

I think this song is pretty self explanatory, but it completely and perfectly reflects my emotional state these days. I always, rather firmly, believed that your past really had no affect on your present, unless you let it, but I have come to find over the past year, that your past affects every move you make. It is interspersed in every little facet of your life, and as your life goes on, the moments you are living now will be reflected in the things you do then. It is so strange to really think about the fact that every moment of your life has some sort of affect on who you are today, and who you are today will affect who you are 10 years from now, or 20 or 30 or 40 years from now. I dunno... but I do know that there is also a point where you have to not let those things affect you so much, and have the strength to not let fear of repeating the past stop you from creating the future. Wow! I sound like Sylvia Browne! :-P j/k.

Anyway, again, I am really proud of that song, and hope that you, the non-existent person who actually reads this journal, enjoy it as much.

Jason

A New Song, Inspired By Some Old Songs...

2005-01-10T07:14:51Z

Hey,

Okay, oddly enough, I hadn't written a new song in quite some time. I am assuming it has to do with the distractions & stresses of day to day life as an "adult." Work, social life, responsibilities, etc, not only take up a lot of the time which would once have been spent writing, but it all leaves me drained and left without the energy to write. I also believe that, on some level, all of these things are not killing, but temporarily numbing my inspiration. Like, I am unable to express my feelings in song form, because I am so focused not on how I feel about the things that need to be done, but on actually doing them. It is really a strange transition for me, and hopefully today I have taken the first steps towards smoothing over that transition, as opposed to crashing into it as I always have before.

Anyway, today I did not have to go to work until 3pm. Considering I woke shortly before 10:30, I was left with plenty of time to lounge around before work. So, I was going through my makeup/accessories box when I stumbled upon a piece of paper folded up inside. It had, each in it's own color, three songs I had written on it. They were the last three songs I had written, and the last songs posted in this journal, "Balloon," "Fooling Myself," & "Never There." Not only was each in a different color, but each had a different feel. And I was struck by how much the colors kinda contrasted with the themes of each song. So, I pulled out a colored gel pen, (a blue one, originally thinking I had a dark blue one, but it was more of a turquoise-ish color,) and wrote a song that I hoped would go with that color. I think it came out fairly well.

"Playing God"

We are haunted by things that have yet to be seen
You don't have to see demons to know that they're mean
There's a moster inside me, it's cruel & it's green
& I'm afraid that this all is much bigger than me

There are feelings inside me that had never been felt
Released by the cruelty of the hand that's been dealt
I am ever the victim, but of fate or of self?
This self-realisation is causing me to melt...

Down, down, down I go
On a path that can only bring pain
Round, round, round I go
Cos' this path has always been the same

(Chorus:)
I keep putting on my thorny crown
Nailing myself to the cross
Forgive me, father, I know not who I am
I only know that I am lost

I keep playing the victim of fate
I keep playing this saviour facade
Forgive me, father, for playing this game
It's not my place to play god

The illusion of control has left me out of it
Desperately clinging to sanity, but it no longer fits
Trying to grasp this world, but this world's gone to shit
Now I see what they meant by "Life's what you make it"

I guess I only wanted more than I could take
Convinced of the reality in a world that was fake
I keep reaching out, knowing full well it's a mistake
Gambling with fate, until the day I break...

Down, down, down I go
On a path that can only bring pain
Round, round, round I go
Cos' this path has always been the same

(Chorus)

I guess life is full of questions that we'll always ask
We'll just put them aside & perform every task
When it all gets too much, we'll try another mask
& keep looking ahead, trying not to go back

Down, down, down I go
On a path that can only bring pain
Round, round, round I go
Cos' this path has always been the same

(Chorus)

Well, I think personally, that this song is fairly self-explanatory, however I do feel the need to state that in no way am I comparing myself to Jesus, nor am I comparing my "playing the victim" to Jesus' crucifiction. It is kinda like Tori Amos' statement in her song "Crucify," not actually about Jesus, but using him in a sort of symbolic way to emphasize the statement being made. I really don't know what to say about this song. It took very little effort, and it just kinda flowed through me. It was a very surreal experience, and it got me writing again, even if only for this one song. I dunno... we'll see.

Jason

A Few Songs Written At Work Today...

2004-10-12T02:13:37Z

Hey,

I don't even want to go into any details of the day, but these songs are not about that. It was a very dark day for me, and the songs I wrote kinda suit that mood. I am very proud of these, especially the last one. The first is kinda less a song and more a poem, but again, I will shut up and just share. I am completely exhausted. I will just post these and go to bed.

Slipped through my fingers and floated away
Perhaps I will see you again someday
Or perhaps you have only led me astray
Slipped through my fingers and floated away

Out of my grasp and out of my reach
You were my goal and my greatest feat
But victory was lost as soon as it was achieved
Out of my grasp and out of my reach

I didn't mean to forget about you
In the hustle and bustle of seeking the truth
I focused so hard on getting to you
That when I got you I didn't know what to do

Slipped through my fingers and floated away
Perhaps I can find you again someday
Perhaps the feeling will return and then I'll be okay
Slipped through my fingers and floated away

Out of my grasp, but still in my heart
We once were together, but we've fallen apart
I need to start over, but don't know where to start
Out of my grasp, but still in my heart

I didn't mean to forget about you
My only intentions were seeking the truth
But I didn't know the truth would make me so blue
That when I found you I didn't know what to do

Slipped through my fingers and floated away
Perhaps I will meet you again someday
& though we'll be different, we'll still be the same
But you won't slip through my fingers and float away
Again

This song is really just barely an actual song. I gave it a melody, but a very brief melody. The words just kinda seem to flow into an automatic melody. I really like this one. The inspiration came at work, when I just randomly drew a heart, and the bottom was a little too long, so I turned it into a balloon. Then I wrote the first verse next to it. It sat at my desk for a few days, and eventually today, I just randomly found it and wrote a few more verses and a coupla bridges.

People have told me not to get my hopes high
But I love the excitement, even if it's a lie
People have told me not to get my hopes up
But they don't realise that I can't get enough

I can't help myself, I'm drawn to the fight
I can't help, but thinking that it's right
I guess I get off on the thrill of the chase
Even if I know beforehand it'll all end the same

(Chorus:)
I'm addicted to fooling myself
I love the highs, but I hate coming down
I just keep on fooling myself
& I can't fight the feeling that someone will stick around

People have told me I must stop doing this
I tell them nothings wrong, I don't know what "this" is
People have told me stop hurting myself
& stop setting myself up and living this hell

But I can't help myself, I desire so much
Maybe I'm masochistic or just longing for touch
I guess it gets me up, this constant let down
Even though I know no one will be around

(Chorus)

I'm addicted to love, I'm addicted to hate
Addicted to ex-boyfriends, boys who are always late
Addicted to addicts and being abused
I guess I'm addicted to always being used

(Chorus)

This song I can't decide whether it is meant as humour or to actually be taken literally. I kinda feel a little of both. I think overall it is my making a joke of the fact that I am seriously like this. I dunno. I just feel so stupid for it sometimes, but other times I just can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I dunno. I am ridiculous. I am too tired to give real explanations.

I may not know the answers
I may not know the difference
Between wrong and right, day and night
But I know the difference between you and I

I may not know what to tell you
I may not know the words to say
To make you understand or comprehend
That I could never be your friend again

Because you hurt me, desert me
Left me in the cold
I know you never said forever
But you told me you would hold me
When I cried
But I'm crying all the time
And you're never there, never there
Never there

I may not know what love is
I may not know what I feel
But I feel it strong, I know it's wrong
And this is not where I belong

I may not know the feeling
I may not know you at all
But I know myself, I've been through hell
Cos' you have made me someone else

Because you hurt me, desert me
& changed the way I feel
I swear I'll never feel forever
Because forever isn't real
Cos' people die
& I've tried so many times
& you were never there, never there
Never there

Because you hurt me, desert me
& ripped my heart from my chest
& I'll never feel together
Cos' you've made me feel worthless
I'm empty inside
& I've never felt so satisfied
Cos' now you're never there, never there
Never there

I may not know the answers

This is most definitely my favourite of the group. I love this song sooo much. It is just kinda like me ripping my own heart out and laying it on paper for the world, (or the 3 people who read this journal,) to see. I love it. It drives me crazy! I don't know what to say. I really need to go to bed. I think the song speaks well enough for itself.

Jason

A Large Group Of Songs Written At Work...

2004-05-17T19:19:03Z

Hey,
I realise that this creative writing journal has kinda been neglected, but so has my creative writing in the past month or two... No longer, though. I have actually written a ton of new songs at work, cos' it is slow and we are not allowed to surf the net or read anything. It leaves me with plenty of time to write, and with the emotional ball I have been lately, (and have been always,) I have had plenty to write about. So, here goes... this is a big entry.

What I am feeling at this point is hard for me to explain
It's not quite hilarity, it's not quite joy, but it isn't exactly pain

What I am feeling is a lot of things that I don't really understand
It's love and heartache, disgust and hate, it's having the world in my hands

(Chorus:)
I'm overwhelmed
I'm overjoyed
I'm overly concerned
And overly annoyed
I'm overwhelmed
I'm oversexed
I'm overly outrageous
And overly conservative

What I am feeling at this time is nothing that I could express
I'm not power hungry, but power addicted, with new eyes, new teeth, new hair and breasts

What I am feeling at this junction is not something that I could tell
I'm not waiting for you, I am simply waiting for someone to come and pull me out of this shell

(Chorus)

I am not horny, I just really, really want sex
I am not a homosexual, I just have a great love for anyone with a dick
I am not enraged, I just want to kill everyone around
I am not discouraged, I would just rather not try

(Chorus)

This song is kinda self-explanatory, but at the same time is very much not self-explanatory. It just kinda happened, and I didn't necessarily know where it was stemming from until later, after analyzing it a while. This song, to me, is about my feelings about my new job and my new life here in Florida. Things are so much different, and I am unsure of how to deal with it. I am feeling this rush of emotions, some brand new, some I just hadn't felt in a long time, but all of which are taking over my mind and putting me into a place where I just feel extremely confused, conflicted and overwhelmed. You will notice an ongoing theme in these songs that are kinda about my job, I think because 1) they were all written at work, and 2) this is the first time I have had a job that I take seriously. It is not all just for fun and games this time, and this is something very new to me.

I am so bored
What can I do?
My life is empty
and meaningless with you

I am so tired
I know no truth
Aside from the fact that
I'm meaningless with you

(Chorus:)
I'm meaningless with you
My passion is sucked away
There's nothing else for me to do
but let this feeling stay
I'm meaningless with you
Void has taken over me
I'm where solitude and bitterness
Will forever be

I ache so much
I am so old
My heart is empty
and meaningless to hold

I feel such pain
Both mine and yours
Reverting back to childhood
I'm as meaningless as before

(Chorus 2:)
As meaningless as before
Like a child, free from thought
and the burdens that are born
From trying to be what we wants
As meaningless as a child
or an angel whose stayed with grace
full of innocence and nothing wild
Living at a slower pace

(Chorus)

I'm meaningless with you
My life is something new
And it's something I don't want to do
But I'm doing it for you

This song, again, kinda stemmed from the job. Sometimes it feels like the fact that I aspire to be a singer/songwriter has kinda excused me from having to work, (at least in my own mind.) Like, I could think to myself, "Why do I need to be tied down to a job? I am a struggling artist!" Now, however, it sometimes feels like having a job kinda excuses me from being an aspiring singer/songwriter. Like, I could say, "Oh, I haven't written a new song in sooo long... but that's okay, I work now." I suppose I am simply still trying to find a balance between these two selves. You will also see a bit of a theme in that, as well, throughout these songs. My different selves, because frankly, there are too many of them not to let them all be expressed.

You're a bitch, and I hate you
In your grave, I will spit on you
If I knew how, I would kill you
Cos' I want you dead

You are evil, you should die
Cos' you don't deserve my time
& if I could just take your life
I would be satisfied

Cos' when I talked to you
You had nothing to say
And when I cried to you
You didn't even know my name, So

(Chorus:)
Fuck you
Goodbye
I don't need you
In my life
Fuck you
To your face
I don't give a damn
Who takes my place
Fuck you

You are a traitor and a bitch
You know that I don't give a shit
About anything that you do
Because I'm over you

I understand that you must not comprehend
A single word that I've just said
But even you should get
That I want you dead

Cos' when I made you laugh
I thought it meant something good
But when you kicked my ass
I finally understood

(Chorus)

Maybe I'm just jealous of the ones who took my place
Maybe I'm just vilifying you cos' I don't know what to say
Maybe I'm just pointing fingers cos' I don't know what to do
Maybe I'm just feeling guilty... oh no, hell no, it's all on you

(Chorus)

This song is pretty self-explanatory. It is about a number of people. It is about pretty much every guy who I have been in love with, or had a little crush on, or just met once and got completely rejected by. I have this feeling, though, that when I get angry, it comes across as stupid and cheesy. I know I come across that way a lot of the time, and I am fine with that. It's just that being angry is one of the few times I don't want to come off that way. Oh well... this is prolly my least favourite of this group of songs.

It feels as if my life has started anew
It feels as if there is nothing that I can do

The world has changed me, love has estranged me
It's rearranged me, life has deranged me
I feel so strangely intoxicated
And I don't want it to stop

(Chorus:)
4 days, 34 hours
2,040 minutes
73 million, 6 hundred
84 thousand and 800 seconds

It feels as if my heart has been lost
It feels as if I need it back at any cost

The world has killed me, love has fulfilled me
It has thrilled me, while life has distilled me
I feel so illy, my head's gone silly
And I can't control myself

(Chorus)

My head, my heart, my mouth, my arms
my hands, my legs are not the same
Seperate pieces, seperated
disengaged, all have become one

(Chorus)

Again, a song about work. Again, self-explanatory. The only interesting tidbit I could add about this song is that I wrote it after 4 days on the floor, (Duh,) and the numbers are all for 8 hours days, i.e. 34 hours. It makes sense, I swear. That includes 4 thirty minute lunch breaks.

I had to spend my time around you
Then I made my life about you
Couldn't believe that I had found you
But that feeling's gone now

I wanted to be with you forever
Swore I would change my mind never
Felt like we would always be together
But that feeling's gone now

(Bridge:)
Because the more I learned
The more I saw who you really were
And the more I saw, the more I knew
That you were not what I prefer

I thought that I was going somewhere
Instead of always going nowhere
And I felt like you would be there
But that feeling's gone now

I knew that you would never hurt me
Wouldn't dishonor or unworth me
I never felt like you'd desert me
But that feeling's gone now

(Bridge)

I felt that life was improving
That I could reach out for the new and
I felt like I would never stop moving
But that feeling's gone now

It felt like life could be perfect
Because I truly did deserve it
And I felt that you were worth it
But that feeling's gone now

This song is pretty self-explanatory. It is about a boy that I loved long ago and far away, who caused nothing but chaos in my life. It was simply really pretty chaos that I mistook for glitter.

If I could go back to the beginning
And do it all over again
There is nothing that I would want to change
Except just one thing

I would have made you feel better
I wouldn't have made you cry
I would've tried a little bit harder
And I wouldn't have denied

(Chorus:)
That I love you much more than I have let you know
That I died inside the day I let you go
That I love you so much more than I love myself

If I could alter my existence
And change just one thing
I wouldn't struggle with one moment of hesitation
I would know right away

I would have made you feel better
I wouldn't have made you cry
I would've tried a little bit harder
And I wouldn't have denied

(Chorus)

So much time I have spent denying my truth
So much energy expended on hiding it from you
So much love that's been wasted from remaining unused
So much power it took not to give it all to you

Now, I want to make you feel better
I want to come and dry your eyes
I want to try a little bit harder
And I could never deny you again

(Chorus 2:)
Cos' I love you much more than I have let you know
And I will come back to life the day I let it show
That I love you so much more than I love myself

So much more than myself

Definitely a favourite of mine from this group. Such a heady, emotional song, yet so soft. That is my word for this song. It is soft. It is me at my gushiest, my saddest, my most mournful and my most honest. It's just me... stripped. hehehe. Anyway, this song is also fairly self-explanatory. I wrote this song about my best friend in the whole wide world, after the year we had and the self-discovery that went on, all the growing and changing and moving in different directions, this is how I feel. This is where I am at.

We thought we knew ourselves so well
Until we found ourselves locked inside this shell
And even though it's not exactly hell
It isn't home

We thought our lives were so complete
Even though we weren't dancing in the street
We were young and dumb and full of white hot heat
And all alone

It seems to me that it was only natural
That these things happen when we step into this world
But we were unaware of what could unfurl
We didn't know

We just carried on like everything was fine
Like we had no use for our ever-changing minds
And suddenly when people drew us lines
We wouldn't go

(Chorus:)
We never realised that growing up
Meant slowing down and shutting up
With each day we feel less "good enough"
and more and more "I can't"
We never understood that living life
Meant not questioning compromise
With more and more self-sacrifice
And less and less "give me"

At first we thought that this would never last
That living in a shell would be a thing of the past
That eventually we would be asked
If we would go back

But it didn't take long for us to learn
That turning back is simply not the way it works
And even though we're not overly concerned
We're kinda scared

(Chorus)

I suppose one day we'll come to accept
That this will be the way our lives will be spent
And that we'll all remain forever connected
To each other

Until that day we must continue living life
Learning to depend on who we are inside
And knowing that we're strong enough to survive
Inside our shell

This is another personal favourite. You lot may or may not notice the references littered throughout the song, but they are there. For one, the whole "shell" thing kinda stems from the fact that I work for Shell Energy Services, although this song is not actually about the job. It is simply a song about growing up, and what is something that kinda personifies being an adult? Working. Heh. There is also the line about dancing in the streets, which is not only referencing the classic song, but also referencing the night we camped out for Britney. Another thing I enjoy about this song is that it kinda expresses some of my beliefs and/or theories. For example, the "we" that is spoken of throughout the song is not myself and someone else, but myself and everyone else. This is also kinda reflected in the line "we'll all remain forever connected." Upon much analyzation and research and such, I have come to not believe in the soulmate philosophy, as in "one special one," but that we are all sharing one soul. Like, the creator, (in my own personal belief system, God,) created us all from one soul. It is my belief that we are all pieces of each other, and we are all connected in ways that we may never understand in our lifetimes. Not by meeting or forming some sort of relationship/bond/connection, but simply from all being the same being. Also, it is kinda a theory of mine that we are all kinda in this process of reverse metamorphosis, aka, a child is a perfect being. Babies are without sin, without corruption or any of that. It is my belief, or at least theory, that we start out as the butterflies, and slowly, as life tarnishes our spirits and corrupts our minds, we are all slowly reverting back to coccoon life, until inevitably we emerge as crotchety old caterpillars, slow paced, empty shells of what we once where. Not that old people are empty shells, but they are shadows of what they once were, and in many cases, they are something completely different from what they once were. I dunno... it is simply a thought I had and decided to elaborate on.

I'm wishing that you were here
Although I know it's not long til I see you again
This place feels so empty without you
And it won't feel the same until you're here again

I will leave here tonight
When they turn down the lights
But my mind will be haunted by memories of you
I will lay in my bed
And try to fill my head
With thoughts of anything other than you

But they won't do...

(Chorus:)
I need to see you, feel you, hear you
I need to smell you, taste you, too
I need to have you, understand you
I need to know you're mine
I need to taste you, not to waste you
I need to touch your for all time
I need to have you, reprimand you
For leaving me behind

I hate it when you're not here
My idea of heaven becomes my personal hell
I hate myself when I'm without you
And I am grasping for a way to get you back in this shell

I will leave here someday
Ill be able to turn away
And not have to deal with this addiction anymore
I will lay in my bed then
Lovely thoughts in my head then
With no recollection of this world of before

But right now I can't take anymore

(Chorus)

I will leave here tonight
When they turn down the lights
But my mind will be haunted by memories of you
I will lay in my bed
And try to fill my head
With thoughts of anything other than you

But they won't do...

(Chorus)

Heh. Heh. Heh. This song is not actually about work, but it is about someone at work. Don't worry... I am not actually this obsessed with him or anything, I just can easily put myself in a mind-frame of being so. hehehe. Seriously, though... hot guy at work, leaves a few hours before I do. It makes the last portion of the day go slower... what can you do? hehehe. This is me being a giddy little girl again. Don't make me talk about it anymore!!!

I can't imagine why I can't get your attention
Like a frightened child, I am starving for affection
I've been trying my damnedest to make you come in my direction
I'm an attention seeking whore, and you are my current obsession

So if you wanna come around
I can give you what you need
And all you gotta do to get it all
Is look at me, look at me, look at me

(Chorus:)
I'm an attention seeking whore
I can't take it anymore
I'm needing some attention
And I'm getting really bored
I've become a bitter, lonely slut
Cos' I can never get enough
You can take me in the bathroom
Of your local Pizza Hut

And I'll take it in the...

But somedays I feel like I'd rather be alone
Curl up in sweat pants and turn off my cell phone
But then I realise that that's not who I am
I'm an attention seeking whore with only one use for a man

(Chorus)

hehehe... by far, my personal favourite of the bunch. It is, as mentioned previously, another side of me. If I were to get a record deal today I would fight and fight and fight with my label to get this song put on my album. I definitely plan on expanding on this one, and as soon as I do, it will be posted here. I love it. It kinda stemmed from a conversation with the boy mentioned above, because it was all fine and dandy, but afterwards it dawned on me... "OMG! Am I trying too hard?" and one of the first thoughts that went through my mind was, "OMG! Does he think I am some attention seeking whore?" hehehe. So, as you can see, I have learned to embrace it! Just a fun song!

I didn't understand the golden nuggets in my hands
I only saw lumps of coal thrown on the ground covering your soul
I didn't get the way I felt for you til you wouldn't stay
I didn't understand, saw your words of love as endless reprimands

(Chorus:)
Now I'm sorry, I guess I didn't know who you were
Please don't hate me, although I know right now that's what you'd prefer
Please understand that I'm putting my life into your hands
Please be the one who's willing to look past

I guess I never knew the way these things can come back to you
I didn't recognise the one I saw reflecting in your eyes
I didn't realise that the problem was not yours, but mine
I didn't comprehend that your heart was dedicated to me to the end

(Chorus)

Please be willing to look past all the wrongs I've done
Please be willing to overlook the past and see I'm trying to be the one
Who will be there for you, who will undertsand
Who will live my life at your command
If you want me to
I would give my life for you

(Chorus)

Another song about my best friend. Another favourite of mine, for the same reasons as "So Much More." Enough said.

Anyway, that is it for today. I certainly hope it was an enjoyable read for you lot. Whoever actually ends up reading this.

Jason

The First Non-Song To Be Posted In Here...

2004-03-11T06:47:29Z

Okay, so this is the first thing I am posting that is not a song. It was originally meant as a song, but then it kinda became something else. I suppose I will call it a poem for now, or just randomness...

I met you at a very tender age
I was raw & so were you
We were young & dumb & full of something
& didn't know what to do

I could not keep sitting idly by
I felt forced to make a move
So, I stopped & said, "Hi! Hey, you should come by"
& sent vibes that I knew went through

I said I'd touch you if you asked me to
All you could do was ask how
& it took me a while to understand
But I know what you meant now

I wish I could have touched your everything
Not just your body or (maybe) your heart
I'd like to wrap my fingers around your soul
But would surely break it apart

I suppose I'll never know what this was
But I know it just felt wrong
Being with you & doing what we'd do
It carried on far too long

I'll always look back with fondness
With terror & with pain
I'll never know why you did this to me
But that it was you who made me this way

Okay, so I don't know if it comes across properly or not. I dunno if I even like this thing, but I wanted to post it, simply because I dunno what it is. It kinda started as simply a concept piece. Like, not something I had been to or related to in any way, but then it developed into kinda being about this person that I had a thing with a while back. In the end, tho, it became about a friend of mine who was mollested at a very early age. I dunno if it comes across or what, but there it is.

Jason

Another New Song I Wrote This Morning...

2004-03-09T03:26:06Z

Self-preservation could be reason enough
Except that it's a shotty excuse that I use too much
It's not that I am sabotaging myself as such
I'm just avoiding my becoming out of touch

My hair's a mess & I don't think it will stand up
I need to shave, but razors can be so tough
I need to shower, but I'm already cold enough
& sleep is a close friend that I've neglected so much

So many reasons not to want to
So many reasons why I should
So many reasonable excuses
None of which are any good
So many reasons I could stay homer
So many reasons not to fight
My urges to be inactive & immobile
Reasons not to live my life

My unhealthiness is bringing me down
I'm not used to leaving the house when the sun is around
I have not been seeking aimlessly, but I still have not found
A single way to fight old fatigue as a new one abounds

So many reasons not to want to
So many reasons why I should
So many reasonable excuses
None of which are any good
So many reasons I could stay homer
So many reasons not to fight
My urges to be inactive & immobile
Reasons not to live my life

I know that it would be better to do it
I know that ultimately it would help
But it's so much easier to put it off
& spend yet another day depriving myself

So many reasons not to want to
So many reasons why I should
So many reasonable excuses
None of which are any good
So many reasons I could stay homer
So many reasons not to fight
My urges to be inactive & immobile
Reasons not to live my life

Okay, so I woke up way way way too early this morning, (8:30ish IN THE AM,) cos' I thought that I was gonna go look for a job again... & again, I didn't get to do it. Anyway, before I realised that I wouldn't get to do it, I wrote this song. It is just about the feeling of kinda deadness in the morning & not wanting to do anything, which is not always, but sometimes can be a long term mind frame for me. There are many many days, sometimes lasting weeks at a time where I feel no ambition & no drive to do anything. It is definitely a shitty feeling, & I am hoping that once I get off of my ass & do something productive, it will stop. Who knows though? Sometimes I wonder if I, & others like me who feel this way, won't always feel this way, even when we are older & maybe even doing amazing things in the world, we won't still have those days or weeks where we have absolutely no passion or ambition or anything... sound depressed?

Jason

Another New Song That I JUST Wrote...

2004-03-08T12:36:40Z

There's our influence on each other
More mine in the beginning & more yours now
Our taste in music & love of pop
& expressing ourselves however we know how

There's the things we do & the things we say
The way we laugh at being compared to "Will & Grace"
There's the way we talk over the internet
These are things I will never forget

The things we have in common are not common things
We are connected to each other despite what's happening
Though this distance can stifle, we can't let it break us
Cos' the most common thing that we have is our love
The most common thing that we have is the love

There's the way we deal with our stresses
You act like you have none, while I run away
Our ideals of sexuality
My life of clinginess & your needing your space

How I can feel bored when you feel so touched
The way we can argue when we're together too much
There could be so many major differences
But they are none, because we accept them

The things we have in common are not common things
We are connected to each other despite what's happening
Though this distance can stifle, we can't let it break us
Cos' the most common thing that we have is our love
The most common thing that we have is the love

The way you never want to go to karaoke
& my penchant for missing those special days
Even though there have been times when we've hurt each other
We can never forget all of the common things

The things we have in common are not common things
We are connected to each other despite what's happening
Though this distance can stifle, we can't let it break us
Cos' the most common thing that we have is our love
The most common thing that we have is the love

This is a song I wrote about one of my two best friends, whom I am missing a lot lately. I feel as if I have upset her or let her down recently, (Okay, I don't feel as if so much as I know I did,) & it got me thinking about the differences & similairities between us. We DO have so much in common, but at the same time, we are two very very different people. It just reminded me how wonderful the relationship between us is, despite all of the bad times, we can always seem to look past them, accept our differences as us just being who we are, & move on greater than before. It is wonderful, & so I wrote this song as kinda a birthday present to her, because she really does mean the world to me & I want to make sure that she knows that.

Jason

A Couple Of The Songs I Have Written In The Past 2 Days...

2004-03-08T11:15:35Z

Okay, so here is my first entry in my creative writing journal... These are the 3 songs I wrote in the past coupla days that inspired the starting of this journal. Let's see how this feels...

I am not particularly whimsical
I try to keep my head out of the sky
But I am trying to believe there's something worth waiting for here
Yet I can't find a logical reason why

I am not particularly cynical
I try to put my faith in things unsees
But the signs aren't pointing in the direction of my being here
& I can't decipher what it all could mean

If I stay with you would I only be
Doing you a disservice?
I am only trying not to bring you down
If I leave you here would it mean that I
Am leaving you to perish
Unsupported when new miseries abound

I don't wanna be selfish anymore
I've spent so long being the only one in my eyes
Don't wanna be self-important anymore
Wanna consider you & how the things I do take affect
I don't wanna neglect you anymore
I wanna make it last, not like all the past I forgot
Don't wanna be so destructive anymore
Wanna stay here with you, without the things I do to hurt us
I don't wanna be selfish

I am not particularly courageous
I try to avoid conflicts at all costs
But I am trying hard not to take the path of least resistance
Yet the travelled road is what I'm longing for

I am not particularly cowardly
I take life-altering risks on most days
But I am trying not to do these things so irrationally
For the fear of what they may cause you to face

I don't wanna be selfish anymore
I've spent so long being the only one in my eyes
Don't wanna be self-important anymore
Wanna consider you & how the things I do take affect
I don't wanna neglect you anymore
I wanna make it last, not like all the past I forgot
Don't wanna be so destructive anymore
Wanna stay here with you, without the things I do to hurt us
I don't wanna be selfish

If I stay with you would I only be
Doing you a disservice?
I am only trying not to bring you down
If I leave you here would it mean that I
Am leaving you to perish
Unsupported when new miseries abound
Or unloved when old miseries abound

I don't wanna be selfish anymore
I've spent so long being the only one in my eyes
Don't wanna be self-important anymore
Wanna consider you & how the things I do take affect
I don't wanna neglect you anymore
I wanna make it last, not like all the past I forgot
Don't wanna be so destructive anymore
Wanna stay here with you, without the things I do to hurt us
I don't wanna be selfish

Well, if you read my personal journal, or if you know me, you know that I am going through a bit of a struggle with some new ideas that have come up... this song has kinda spawned from that... As I wrote the song, it started me thinking about how many times I have faced similair decisions in the past & had struggles similair to this one, which started me thinking about the decisions I made then. I cannot honestly say that I have regretted them, because they have shaped who I am today, but I have come to realise how incredibly selfish they were, & how this time, I don't wanna be selfish. I feel as if I have spent the bulk of my life considering only my own feelings, & I definitely wanna make an effort to stop that now.

I found you to be sweet
I found you to be real
I found you, who believed
In hiding what you feel

I found you to be pain
I found you to be love
I found you, who would be
So much more than enough

To satisfy me, patronise me
& keep me entertained
Keep me distracted from the fact that
My life was up in flames

You taught me well
Now I'm a master in the art of self-deceipt
You showed me how
Never to realise that I'm the king of self defeat
You never knew
That I was always keeping myself at your feet
I told myself
I had you, when I knew there was no one for me

Who'd satisfy me, patronise me
& keep me up like you
Keep me unknowing, never going
Anywhere near the truth

I found you to be fresh
I found you to be new
I found you, who believed
In nobody but you

I found you to be hard
I found you to hold up
I found you, who so knew
That it would be enough

To satisfy me, patronise me
& keep me entertained
Keep me distracted from the fact that
My life was up in flames

You taught me well
Now I'm a master in the art of self-deceipt
You showed me how
Never to realise that I'm the king of self defeat
You never knew
That I was always keeping myself at your feet
I told myself
I had you, when I knew there was no one for me

You always were the bees knees to me
You always knew just what to do to supress my misery
You always knew that I'd give you the keys
I let you take me for a spin, & do with me what you please

& you satisfied me, patronised me
& kept me entertained
I was first offended, then defensive
Then finally I gave in

You taught me well
Now I'm a master in the art of self-deceipt
You showed me how
Never to realise that I'm the king of self defeat
You never knew
That I was always keeping myself at your feet
I told myself
I had you, when I knew there was no one for me

This was one of those songs that just kinda came outta nowhere. I just began pouring my feelings onto the page & had to figure out who it was about afterwards... I figured out that this song relates to some of my feelings in the past towards one of the people I love most in this world, who I was always looking up to & seeking approval & acceptance from, & in many ways, trying to emulate. Our relationship seems to have grown past that now, but there was a time when they seemed to be hiding everything & seemed incredibly self-important, which made me, in trying to become like them, begin hiding everything & act incredibly self-important. If the person who I relate this to reads this, they will totally know that it is about them, & I hope will not be angry. It is about a different time in our lives, when things were much different than they are now!

I know what you're feeling
& I understand
I know why you're feeling it
Yes, I comprehend

I know that you blame me
& we can't be friends
You know I was lying now
& it had to end

So now you're sitting around
Feeling sorry for yourself
& you're swearing that it's all my fault
Oh yeah, you're sitting around
Feeling sorry for yourself
Like you never did anything at all

& that's okay, it's alright
Hey, that's great, it's your life
As long as my only part in it is all in your mind
It's super, Hey, it's fab
It is cool, it's all that
As long as I am not a part of it, I refuse to feel bad

I know what you're wanting
& I just don't care
You know I'm not giving it
Don't act unaware

So now you're sitting around
Feeling sorry for yourself
& you're swearing that it's all my fault
Oh yeah, you're sitting around
Feeling sorry for yourself
Like you never did anything at all

& that's okay, it's alright
Hey, that's great, it's your life
As long as my only part in it is all in your mind
It's super, Hey, it's fab
It is cool, it's all that
As long as I am not a part of it, I refuse to feel bad

I know that you hate me
& I say "That's fine"
I know why you hate me now
Because I drew the line

Cos' now I'm hanging around
Feeling good about myself
& enjoying my life, being free
Oh yeah, I'm hanging around
Feeling good about myself
Cos' you can't make me abandon me

That's okay, It's alright
Hey, it's great, it's my life
As long as your only part in it has been left behind
It's super, Hey, it's fab
It is cool, It's all that
Hey, just because you got caught up in it
I'm not about to feel bad

If you read my personal journal then you will know the reference towards "the kid," & if you don't, all you really need to know is that he was a kid, it was a bad time & he was every kinda wrong for me, so of course I fell in love with him. I have only recently, (a few months back,) had closure in this matter & am now ready to move on, & write songs about the evils of loving the young.
Also, a little side note on this song, unlike the first two, you will notice that the lyrics are a little less introspective & a little more pop... this song is not meant as some really deep experience of a song, it is simply meant as a fun, upbeat, "wannabe-old-school-motown-that-sounds-more-like-europop" type of song. Just so you aren't thinking, "God this sucks... being artsy my ass!!!" (side note to the side note, being artsy is meant as a joke anyway!)

Alrighty, I think I am liking this... here's to many more new songs, old songs, stories, randomness & mainly, EMOTIONS to come in this journal!

Jason